魔王守则(中英文对照)
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P.S:本篇文章可对应于所有动漫画,影集,PC or TV game

魔王须知
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I`ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I`ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

魔王似乎是个不错的职业选择. 待遇佳, 加给多而且工作时间可以自由调整. 但是在各式书籍或电影里面, 魔王们在结局总是会被打败或毁灭. 我发现无论是野蛮人领袖, 背道巫师, 疯狂科学家, 或是异形入侵者, 他们每次都犯下同样的基本错误, 因此, 如果我有幸成为魔王的一分子, 我将会...

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
我的军团将会配备耐热塑胶 透明面罩头盔, 而不是遮住面孔的头盔.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
我所属的建筑物通风孔将会小到没有任何人爬的进去.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
被我篡夺王位的兄弟, 我将会把他杀了, 而不是囚禁在地牢中某个被遗忘的角落.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
用枪毙来处决我的敌人, 永远不会便宜了他.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to theobject which is my one weakness.
对于提供我力量来源的神器, 我不会将它放置在不朽巨龙所守护, 火焰之河所围绕的绝望山脉. 我会放在我的保险箱里面, 对于我唯一害怕的东西, 处理方式亦同.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies` predicatment before killing them.
当我的敌人陷入困境, 在我杀了他们之前, 我不会幸灾乐祸.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, ``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?`` My reply will be, ``No, just sensible.``
当叛军领袖用挑衅的语气要求跟我单挑: 如果没有部下帮忙, 你该不会害怕了吧? 我会回答: 不, 我只是很理智.

8. When I`ve captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?`` I`ll say, ``No.`` and shoot him.
当我抓到敌人而他对我说: 等一下,在你杀我以前,你可以告诉我这是甚么东西/为了甚么吗? 我会回答: 不 然后毙了他.

. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks` time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
当我绑架了美丽的公主, 我会毫不声张的立刻举办私下的结婚仪式,而不是在我邪恶计划的最后阶段, 花三个礼拜的时间准备耀眼灿烂的婚礼.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push``. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push`` will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
我绝不会制作自爆系统, 除非真的有需要. 如果非作不可, 启动自爆装置的开关也绝对不会是一个标注危险, 请勿碰触的大大红色按钮. 按下标注危险,请勿碰触的大大红色按钮只会触发陷阱, 把那个笨蛋毙了. 开/关的标示也不会很清楚的标明.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I`ll do it myself.
我不会命令我最信任的副官杀掉命中注定毁灭我的婴儿, 我会自己动手.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
我不会在我最机密的指挥室审问我的敌人, 外面随便那一家小旅馆都可以.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
我很确定我高人数等, 因此我不需要故意留下谜题般线索来证明我的聪明才智,或是饶我最弱的敌人一命来证明他们无法威胁我.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy`s death look like an accident I`m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn`t believe it.
我不会无聊到设计让我敌人的死亡看起来像个意外, 我不用对任何人证明我的无辜, 而且其他的敌人都不会相信的.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word mercy``; I simply choose not show them any.
我很清楚我非常了解慈悲这个字的涵义, 我很干脆的选择我不需要它.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
我的顾问中会有一个五岁的小孩, 在我的计划执行之前, 里面所有他会发现的漏洞或缺陷, 都会被补正.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
所有被宰掉的敌人都将被火葬, 至少要对尸体扫射很多轮子弹, 而不是让他们死在悬涯底下就算了. 所有对他们死讯的公布, 以及接下来的庆祝活动, 都将在上述措施执行后才进行.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
所有我的卧底都不会有用来辨识他们身分的刺青, 也不用穿着军靴或是遵守某种固定的穿着, 佩带装饰品的规定.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
英雄不会被允许最后的一个吻, 最后的一根烟, 或是任何其他的死前最后要求.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
我将不会使用任何倒数计时用具, 如果无可避免时, 我将会设定在倒数到117的时候启动/爆炸, 此时英雄们无论有甚么计划, 也都才进行到一半(译注: 英雄总是会在倒数最后一刻完成计划)

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he`s caused.
我会亲手设计末日武器, 如果我必须雇用一位疯狂科学家来当助手, 我会确定他疯的够彻底而不会有一天突然后悔, 想要弥补所犯下的错误.

22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there`s just one thing I want to know.``
我永远不会说: 在我杀你之前, 我还有一件事想知道.

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
当我雇用顾问时, 我会常常听取他们的建议.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
我不会有儿子. 虽然他想篡夺我权力的可笑计划常常失败, 但是在关键的时刻这将会造成我致命的分心.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero`s rugged countenance and she`d betray her own father.
我不会有女儿, 虽然她将会美的如同她的邪恶一般, 但是只要她看一眼英雄的破烂面貌, 她就会背叛她的父亲.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it`s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
虽然是很好的压力纾解方式, 我不会沉迷于自己的狂笑之中. 这个时候往往会没有注意到事情的突发状况, 而比较谨慎注意的人将可以轻松的处理.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
我将聘请顶尖的服装设计师为我的恐怖军团设计制服, 而不是选用某些廉价的防冒品, 让他们看起来像是纳粹党突击队员, 罗马的步兵, 或是野蛮的蒙古游牧民族这些家伙 最后都被打败了, 我希望我的军团有比较正面的心理建设.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
无论我有多少无限制的能量, 对于任何大于我头部的防护罩, 我一分能量也不要花.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
我会保留一批低科技武器而且常常训练我的军团使用它们, 这样子即使英雄们关掉了我的能量产生器, 或是用某种方法使得能量武器无效, 我的军团不会被一小批拿着长枪石头的野蛮人击败.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be！ I AM INVINCIBLE！！！`` (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
我将会理性的评估我的力量以及弱点, 即使这样会让魔王这份工作减少一些乐趣, 但是至少我永远不会说: 不, 这不可能！ 我是无敌的！ (接下来往往接着立即的死亡.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
无论用起来有多好用, 那种除了一个微小, 不可能被接触到的弱点之外不可能被摧毁的机器, 我是绝对不会建造使用的. (译注: 死星)

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
当我跟英雄生死决斗时, 如果我幸运的击飞他手上的武器, 我会很有风度的允许他捡起来, 这并不是因为公平决斗的荣誉感, 而是他会因此而惊愕与疑惑, 让我能够轻松的料理他.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
无论反抗份子中某个人士如何的美丽, 世界上总会有另一个人有同等的美貌而且不会想要宰了我. 因此, 在我下令将她送到我的卧室之前会再三考虑.

34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
重要的东西我绝对不会只做一份, 同样的, 我时时会佩带至少两件备妥的武器.

35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
当最高指挥中心被攻击时, 我会立刻逃到安全的逃生舱里面, 在那里指挥防御战斗, 而不是当敌人杀进指挥室才准备逃走.

36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
我会将我的宠物怪物安置在安全的笼子里面, 笼子要坚固到让它们无法逃出, 同时安全到我不会不小心跌倒掉进去.

37. Even though I don`t really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won`t tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
你知道, 虽然我计划永生不死, 所以我不是很在乎. 不过我还是会雇请一个好的工程师请他好好的建筑我的堡垒. 这样子即使在我死了之后, 堡垒不会莫名其妙的崩塌.

38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
我会打扮的光鲜亮丽, 充满活力, 让我的敌人迷惑不已.

39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
所有无能的魔术师, 笨拙的随从, 没有天份的吟游诗人以及胆小的盗贼都将会事先被处死. 因为没有幽默的调剂放松, 我的敌人将因此放弃他们的使命任务.

40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world- weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
在我王国中所有天真丰满的酒店女侍, 都将被换成暴躁乖戾, 令人厌烦的女侍.以确保她们不会对英雄或他的朋友提供意料之外的援助, 或是罗曼蒂克的插曲.

41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
任何能够让已经自我牺牲的次要角色奇迹复活的魔法或科技, 将会被宣布为非法并加以毁灭.

42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
我不会突然暴怒然后杀死带来坏消息的信差以彰显我的邪恶, 你知道好的信差是不容易遇到的.

43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
我会计划定期让有勇气的少年/少女穿着奇异的服饰, 带着外地的腔调, 爬上广场上的纪念碑公然抨击我, 宣称知道我力量的秘密, 同时号召组织反抗军等等.这样一来,当真正的勇者到来的时候, 市民早就厌烦了.

44. I won`t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress- code. Similarly,outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
我不会规定恐怖军团中的高阶女性穿着无暇的钢制胸罩, 比较宽松的服装规定会有比较高昂的士气. 同样的, 全套黑色皮制服饰只有在正式典礼时才需要穿着.

45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero`s party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
我不会采用在陷阱发动前, 将英雄队伍诱入我最高指挥中心的邪恶计划.

46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
我不会变成一条蛇, 这一招总是没用.

47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
我不会蓄山羊胡, 过去这让你看起来很邪恶, 但是现在这让你看起来像是X世代的不满份子.

48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
我不会将同一队伍的人都关在一起, 而是各自囚禁. 如果他们是非常重要的囚犯, 我会将唯一的牢房钥匙带在身上, 而不是发给每一个地牢守卫一把.

49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he`s my trusted lieutenant.
如果我最忠心的副官报告我们的恐怖军团正在输掉一场战争, 我会相信他. 毕竟, 他是我最忠心的副官.

50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
如果我击杀的敌人有年幼的兄弟或是子孙在外, 我会立刻找出来而且杀了他们.而不会等到他们怀着仇恨长大, 在我年老时来找我.

51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
当我必须骑马上战场时, 我绝不会接近我恐怖军团的最前线, 也不会寻找敌军中我的对手.

52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
我既没有骑士精神也没有运动精神, 如果我有无敌的超级武器, 我会尽早使用而且常常使用, 而不会把它收藏起来.

53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time- travel devices.
一旦我的权力巩固, 我会摧毁所有令人厌恶的时光旅行机器.

54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
我会提供预言神殿两个选择: 只为我工作或是被处死.

55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
当我抓住一个英雄时, 我会确定我也抓到他的狗, 猴子, 雪貂或是其他任何碰巧在身边可以解开绳子或是会偷取钥匙的病态可爱小动物.

56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
当我抓到一个美丽的反叛分子, 而她宣称被我的力量与外貌所吸引, 只要让她参与我的计划, 她就会背叛她的同伴. 对此, 我会维持健康的怀疑态度.

57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
我只会雇用为钱工作的奖金猎人人. 那些为了乐趣而狩猎的家伙很可能会做出愚蠢的事, 例如很奇怪的给与对方逃命的机会.

58. I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable`` spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.
我不会依赖可以被不引人注目的护身符所抵销的万无一失的魔法.

59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the price for failure, then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
我会确定我很清楚组织里面每个人的责任. 比方说, 如果我的将军把事情搞杂了, 我不会拔出我的武器指着他说: 这是失败的代价. 然后突然转身随机杀掉旁边的部下.

60. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?`` I will reply ``This.`` and kill the advisor.
当我的顾问对我说: 王上, 他只不过是一个人, 能成得了甚么大事. 我会回答: 这个. 然后宰了这个顾问.

61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
如果我知道某个乳臭未干的小子开始摧毁我的任务, 我会在他还乳臭未干的时候宰了他, 而不是等他长大.

62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
对任何被我魔法或科技所控制的野兽, 我会尊重并和蔼的对待它们. 这样子如果控制被解除了, 它们也不会马上来找我算帐.

63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
如果我得知某样神器可以摧毁我, 我不会下令所有的军团全部动员去夺取它.相反的, 我会命令军团去夺取其他的东西, 然后不动声色的在地方报纸上面刊登征求广告.

64. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh power books.
我的主要电脑会拥有独特的作业系统, 与IBM电脑或是Macintosh电脑完全不相容.

65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
我会选择堡垒的大门是一般标准的尺寸. 当然, 精心制作的20公尺高的大门可以让大众有深刻的印象, 但是危急时常常来不及关起来.

66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess` cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
当我地牢的守卫之一开始关心美丽公主的牢房状况时, 我会立刻把他换到比较不需要与人接触的职位.

67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
我会聘用一群合格建筑师组成委员会, 仔细的检查我的堡垒, 让我知道所有密道的位置, 同时废弃堵塞所有我所不知道的密道.

68. If the beautiful princess that I captures says ``I`ll never marry you！ Never, do you hear me, NEVER！！！`` I will say ``Oh well,`` and kill her.
如果我抓到的美丽公主对我大吼: 我永远不会嫁给你的,永远！你听到了吗,永远！我会回答: 那很好. 然后毙了她.

69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
当我和恶魔达成协议后, 我不会只是想要个敌手而试图欺骗它.

70. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
变形生物与奇怪的精神病患在我的恐怖军团里面会有一席之地. 但是在我派它们执行需要老练与狡猾的重要秘密任务时. 我会先找找看是否有其他可以引起较少注意的适当人选.

71. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
最后, 如果要让我的敌人困在永远的无心智状态, 我会提供他们免费无限的网际网路.

XDDD

XDDD